I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
