She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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