Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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