My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
