So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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