You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
