the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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