What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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