New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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