Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
