Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It was like getting head from an anaconda
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
