I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
