OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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