Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
