haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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