You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
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