Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
