so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Found the puke drawer
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
