I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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