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It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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