isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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