I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
