I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize