this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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