She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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