She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
