never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
