How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
