You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
