Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
