she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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