On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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