i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
