Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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