I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Ladies don't puke and tell
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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