I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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