Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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