you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
