I accidentally had phone sex last night
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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