I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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