You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
