Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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