I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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