I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
