When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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