I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
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