im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
try to milk me bitch
Randomize