...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
