I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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