Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
