I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
