I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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