Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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