you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
