The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
